I will never forget that night. I had just stumbled in from my uber into my condo. I lived in Highland Park, a cute neighborhood on the east side of Pittsburgh. A night out, I was turnt, and I was ready for the Pride Celebrations the next day downtown. The gays were out in full force that night, the drinks were strong, the boys were hot, I was single and dancing my life away. I had a Grindr date on his way over, and I knew I had to drunkenly try to clean up my place before he arrived.
I unlocked my front door and managed to get inside my living room, the TV was already on, a common occurrence at the time, the news was playing. I ignored the imagery of red and blue flashing lights. Somewhere a shooting, again. How very American.
My phone suddenly rang. I remember thinking, “oh god, Lancaster Chris, at this hour? Something is wrong.” I answered, “Hey Chris!” “Alli, are you okay?” “Yea, of course, why?” “Are you in Pittsburgh?” “Yea Chris, what’s going on.” He told me to turn on the news and hung up. I turned my attention to the news and started to cry. Like many queer young people, I’ve always been quite transient and Chris was calling his friends to make sure none of us were in Orlando.
I cancelled my Grindr date and stayed glued to the TV. A high school ex-boyfriend worked at Pulse, I couldn’t get a hold of him. Mentally sobered up, but emotionally exhausted, I passed out on my couch, waking up to my mom calling me, “Alex. I don’t think going to Pride today is a good idea.” Explaining to her that hiding in fear was what the bad guys wanted, I started getting ready for the festivities of the day. Donning my shortest of shorts and finest mesh tank top, I made my way downtown. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t at least a little scared.
I made it downtown as my phone vibrated, my high school ex texted, “I moved back to PA two weeks ago. But those are all my friends.” I’ll never forget that feeling of sadness. I was so happy to know my ex was safe, but devastated knowing he would be flying back down to Orlando - not to catch up with friends, but to lay 49 of them to rest.
My friends and I met downtown, drinking at the gay bars and dancing in the streets as local queer musicians performed. We ate from food trucks and attended rallies. We celebrated our queerness into the late evening, when we finally sat down in the grass at Point State Park and my friend Megan asked, “what if it would have been here?” It was the thought I had suppressed since the news first broke. What if the shooting had been Pittsburgh? Or Philly? Or DC? Or Chicago? Or some other city my friends and I went out in on at least a semi-regular basis?
Mourning the lives of people you don’t know is complex. Grieving the loss of lives you never actually interacted with is difficult, but I still find myself processing through those emotions. I suppose it’s not grieving for the individuals who were taken, but the sense of safety. Turning 18 the same year Obama took office, I have lived a fairly privileged queer existence. And it took one crazy person with a gun to destroy the false sense of security I have always had.
I will never forget June 12th, 2016. I will never forget the 49 people who lost their lives. And I will never again have the same sense of safety that I had before the events that took place at Pulse Nightclub in Orlando, Florida. As a community, we simply can’t afford to not remember this tragedy. Just as we cannot afford to forget the events of Stonewall, or the Lavender Scare, or the inaction of our government during the AIDS Crisis. We must honor our history, continue to mourn our losses, and celebrate even the tiniest of victories.
Please join me Thursday, June 12th at 9:00PM for a short vigil celebrating the lives stolen that day nine years ago. As Camp Ranger at Twin Ponds Lodge, I have also issued a declaration requesting all flags on the ground be flown at half-mast from 7PM June 11th until 7AM on June 13th. - Ranger Alli
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